It’s that feeling we’re after


While waking up Wednesday morning, upon my first conscious thought, I asked “What do you really want?” Paused, then thought carefully. So I asked myself again, “What is it that I really want? If I could have anything right now, what would make me feel better?”

A new home wouldn’t bring me what I really want. The feeling I’m looking for doesn’t come from living in a nicer home or having a new car or finding a secure job. What I really want is not a thing or a place or an event. It isn’t something we can buy or eat or drink. It isn’t something we can use to distract ourselves from what we really feel, like the internet or media; our huge distractors. It doesn’t come from another. What we really want is to feel THAT FEELING inside of us.

If you’ve ever felt it, you may know what I mean. It’s a feeling that is electric. It’s a feeling that is almost supernatural. When we feel it, everything is good. All the struggles and all of the pain goes away. When we feel THAT FEELING, we feel fully alive, fully charged with energy. When we have it, everything around us looks wonderful. We feel so solid and secure in our very being. And I believe THAT FEELING is what we really want. To feel good without doing anything and to just feel good because we’re alive.

The last time I felt it was months ago. I put the breaks on my mind and told myself to appreciate. First, I appreciated the friends I met since moving here three years ago. Then I appreciated my man.

When we appreciate, THAT FEELING rushes through our body. It fills our mind with energy, like a thousand fire flies lighting up our insides. If we could feel THAT FEELING more often, I believe the rest of our lives, our deepest wants and strongest desires, will just fall into place.

So I will appreciate what I am able to appreciate. Truly letting appreciation resonate within me can bring back THAT FEELING. I don’t feel it yet but I know that I will feel it again. Appreciation brought it to me the last time. But the first time I felt it, I painted Drinking Cappuccino. Almost nine years ago, THAT FEELING dropped down from Heaven while painting. It filled me with glistening energy. It was a moment I will always remember because it was the first time I felt it. And that is why I keep painting. I paint to feel it. I have felt it many other times while painting, when embedded thoughts begin to lift. So I keep painting and writing so I can feel it again.

Do you ever think about painting? Maybe you intuitively know that if you did, THAT FEELING may fill you, too.

Committed to Letting Go


Beginning now and continuing for the next ten weeks, let’s be committed to being in a state of letting go. All the emotions and beliefs that hinder what we want will be turned into what we want. Each moment we feel nervousness, our powerful mind will remind us to relax into the knowing that this is our time to let go. When we feel worry, about money, about work, about people and how we interact, our clear minds will switch into a gear of constant trust, complete belief, that we are so well taken care of. When we feel any attitude that takes us off of our path, our super clear mind will shift into the knowing that we are letting go of all that hinders what we want. This next several weeks will be lovely and fulfilling and powerful and pivotal. We are in the mode of letting go while each layer of unwanted emotions that are gently released. Truly resilient. This is beginning to solidify, this creative, trusting level of forward thinking. Our psyche is reaching for such delicious heights that bring us further into the life we have always known was ours. Ten weeks of letting go begins now.

There is no shortage of anything. There is only constant, over-flowing abundance. Our Universe is outpouring an over abundance of all good, delightful, delicious experiences and perceptions. All we have to do is look at this abundance. Each day, every moment we can focus on this abundance, you will see it increase. You have what you have been asking for. A peaceful life. A quiet neighborhood. A daily routine of creating. This life is increasing because we keep focusing. This peaceful life gets more peaceful because we are truly thankful that we have such a quiet, calm life. This trust and solid belief that what you want is coming is exactly what allows it in. It is all up to you. Every moment you make the choice to keep you mind locked into the life you want.

You are enough just the way you are now, more than enough. Let go of trying. Let go of striving. Let go of trying to prove to others that you are wonderful. Just remind yourself that you are enough, right now, as you are. There is no more proving you are worthy of attention and respect and money and friendship and love. You are worthy just as you are right now, complete, trusting and letting go.

Heartbleed bug, earthquakes, and how to feel secure


If you’ve read anything about the Heartbleed bug, it’s been around much longer than a few weeks. Reports say that our content has been open for several years now. In fact, when I did a little research online, Bloomberg News claims that the NSA has used this “bug” to gather intelligence for years. Reading any of this news makes me wonder why even bother changing our passwords. I guess changing them is always a good idea, but if you have four pages of passwords, it’s hard to keep them straight. Even more, how can we feel secure when we really don’t know what’s happening behind the news reports? Hearing the news only makes me feel vulnerable beyond my personal control. Yet I need to feel secure.

Then there are the recent quakes that may be imitating the shakes in the cyber world. The last few earthquakes in the world were located on what experts call the “Ring of Fire.” It’s where earthquakes and volcanoes occur along the edges of the Pacific Ocean. If you google “ring of fire,” images of maps will show you the ring. When the quake happened 30 miles from my home, I was alone downstairs, painting in my journal while watching “The Shark Tank.” I held my breath as I chanted, “Stop. Stop. Stop.” Once it did, my body shook. My sister and her family live one neighborhood over from the epicenter. They were already up in San Francisco for a long weekend. The news report wouldn’t go back to my show, so I finally turned the TV off. For several days later, small quakes woke me up every other night because they say it’s the after shocks that can be much bigger. I’m hyper sensitive to them and many times Roy isn’t even fazed. But how can I feel secure?

Thinking about feeling secure while painting this last evening, I heard the birds singing. It’s one of the best things about living in California. On my morning walks through the fields behind my house, with the mountains stretched along the horizon, the mockingbirds are happily singing their song. Their music is one of the most delightful sounds. When I hear their music, comfort rushes through me. That’s where I feel secure. Nature! That’s where I get grounded and feel the sureness of life. The resilience of nature reminds me to feel secure by just being alive.

This painting started with a pencil drawing of the word Secure. The bottom of the letters merged with the ground to symbolize feeling grounded with nature. I saw the word with roots going into the ground. As I painted in greens and browns, I felt the security of nature. As the colors seeped into roots, I asked, “Where does real security come from?” It’s not changing our passwords, that’s a tiny band aid on a massive bleeding body. It’s not moving to where earthquakes are infrequent. A natural disaster can happen any time, any where. It’s not relying on outside sources. We all know how fickle they are.

So then, feeling secure can only come from within. It’s a state of mind, a peace that fills our thoughts. Whatever comes our way and regardless of outside uncertainties, we are as resilient, and sometimes so much more, than the natural world. It’s a sureness that you are here to enjoy this earth. And when a secure feeling bubbles up within, others can sense it, too.

Replenishing 11/9/13


For many of us, this is a time of replenishing. A time to sit back and close your eyes and rest. A time to turn off all the noise coming at us. A time to close off the things that deplete our energy. Life still goes on and work needs to be done, but many of us are finding it necessary to rest whenever possible. We are retreating, hibernating, pulling away from the world’s distractions, almost in an involuntary way. We’re needing so much alone time. We’re turning off the radio, the TV, and the Internet so we can bask in peace and quiet. We’re not understanding much of what we feel we need, but that doesn’t change our craving for no sound, no words, and hopefully no thought.

Aaahh, the challenge of turning off our thoughts continues to baffle us. Our internal computer system is sending off sparks and impulses that we’re hardly aware of. Consciously we’re not aware, but subconsciously, or better put energetically, we are very aware of the internal noise that prevents life from being a beautiful experience. Some of us have more noise to be weeded out. Many of us use physical distractions to dim the switch. But sorry to say, these distractions aren’t working as well as they used to. The noise is being amplified by the push and pull in societies gap. This gap is swallowing up what we’ve been accustomed to and it’s forcing us to jump. Jump through uncontrollable moods, unexpected circumstances and situations that we’ve never imagined or planned.

So what are we to do?

First, deep breathe! And do it as often as you can. As soon as you inhale the deepest breath possible, your energy soothes, your mind calms down and you feel a bit of relief. Breathe deeply every time you think of it. This is your quickest and best way to calm your thoughts.

Second, observe nature! Listen to the birds, study the trees, the ground around your home, anything that is outside. Look at the sky, focus on the clouds. Watch the movement the wind causes, the trees blowing, the whisper and rush of nature. Look at the colors in the nature around you as you drive to work or school or to the store. Notice the different greens in the leaves on all the trees you pass by or on the bushes along the road you travel. The colors are soothing the more you focus on the beauty nature brings.

Third, you’re going to love this one. PAINT! What? Paint? I don’t know how! Yes you do. The noise inside your head tells you that you can’t but your energy tells you to just do it. But I don’t know how. Yes you do. You painted when you were four or five or six and you can do it again. Just imagine yourself as a five year old. Push the colors around your paper, smear colors into one another, push and pull the colors to reflect how you feel. You’re not painting a pretty picture. All you are doing is replenishing your energy by merging colors on a surface. As you do this, let the noise come out of your mind, through your arm, into your brush and onto your page. Keep on doing this. Keep on painting your thoughts out of your mind. Let your worry, your nervousness, your stress come out through your brush. Every time you think of letting some thoughts go, every time you crave some peace, take out your paints and find some relief. Allow yourself the freedom to express whatever comes out. You will feel the difference almost immediately that pushing paint can bring.

Do you know why it’s so good to paint? Because something improves in your psyche every time you do. It releases stress unlike any other activity because it works so deeply within. Shifts happen in your internal energy field. And you don’t even have to be aware of what just happened. You intuitively will feel the relief. Every time we touch a brush loaded with color on our surface we release more unhealthy beliefs. We soften. We feel refreshed. And when we replenish our internal energy field, shifts happen outside too. When we release thoughts that hinder us, our outside relationships spontaneously improve. That is one of the best reasons to paint.

Then little by little, we get a handle on what life throws at us. More and more we do what’s best for us. We surround ourselves with people who are good to us, who are good to themselves. We just start feeling better all around every time we paint. We become more aware of how we really feel. We accept how we feel. We allow ourselves to feel exactly what comes up. And most of all, no matter what does arise, we can embrace it as a part of our selves, allow it to be exposed, and then it can be released and replenished from our total selves. One brushstroke at a time.





Sequester Relief

An Intuitive creative exercise to find inner relief from the Government Sequester.

If you are concerned or worried or angry over the mandated sequester and you’re finding it hard to feel good about anything, here is a quick creative exercise that will help you release some stress while going through this tough time.

Find a blank piece of paper and a pencil or pen. Pencil is recommended because of its shading abilities but a pen will do just fine. Then find another piece of paper to write on. It could be your journal or a notebook or another blank piece of paper. Find a spot in your home that is most relaxing to you. Take a few really deep breaths in and out to help you relax. Write a few statements about how you are feeling now. Let the thoughts just flow out of you onto your page without being concerned about grammar or spelling or how it sounds. You just want your thoughts to come out of you.

After you write about 2-3 sentences, pick up your pencil and start “drawing” and making marks on your blank piece of paper. Let yourself be free with how you make these marks. As you scribble, let your thoughts and beliefs come through your arm and onto your paper. After about five minutes of drawing, start writing again. Let all your thoughts come out of you freely. Continue going back and forth between writing and painting. When you do this, you will eventually reach that part of you inside that has all the relief you have been waiting for. Your writing will change as if someone else is talking to you. The words that flow sound as if they are coming from a wise soul. They will be soft, they will be just what you need, and most of all, when you hear these words, they will bring you relief.

When these words start bringing you relief, continue writing until you feel it’s time to stop. You have reached your Inner Wisdom and the words she/he speaks will be perfect for you at the moment you write them. Continue using this process until you start feeling good, regardless of your circumstances. This is the relief that will help you through the tough time you are going through. Know that we are all capable of creating a life we want and it starts with connecting to our Inner Wisdom to bring us the words that change our limiting beliefs. During the day, repeat those new empowering beliefs and you will begin to feel refreshed with energy to make it through this mandated government sequester.

Most Precious 10/14/13


Many of us are not knowing what is going on in the world. Many are experiencing so much stress, so many hardships, so much that is unknown. Much of what is happening, the push and pull in the energy field, is so confusing, so nonsensical, we’re barely able to handle just our daily lives. Things are changing at an alarming rate. And some are having trouble hanging on.

It’s as if we’re clearing a foundation for a huge building that will be birthed. First the land is chosen and cleared of surface debris. Unwanted rocks and trees and stumps are removed. Then the excavation begins. The digging and clearing out of the land, the hollowing of the ground to prepare the area where the building will stand. The machines dig deep into the ground and pile up the soil to be taken away. The opening in the ground is left to settle. After the inner part is ready, the cement will be poured. This foundation process takes so much time.

We are in a time of filling. This time of filling is lovely and wonderful and hopeful and mesmerizing. This time of filling will be cherished, like being pampered. It will be remembered as a wonderful time, even missed as being so important, so necessary. Almost as if it will be the time in our lives that stands out as most precious.

The filling is the laying in of the foundation of the structure from which our life will rise… the surety of our connection to our Inner Wisdom. The releasing of resistance, meaning, the nervousness, the guilt, the disappointments of not yet having what we want. The knowing that many are looking for a beautiful way to connect. It is the clearing of the muck, the digging and removing of the unwanted, then comes the filling of all that is wanted.

What do you want? Do you even know? If what we have is not wanted, then the opposite is what we want. Most of all, we want relief. One way to get some relief is to look at your life like a clump of clay. Love molding the clay of your life. All this stuff that is coming at you gives you opportunity to mold the clay of life. The anger you feel is great training for what you need to get over. And that is to not give even a second of your brain power to what is holding you back. Yet, all this takes time. Time to disengage from the energy that holds you back. Because what we all really want is to be the one we were meant to be when we arrived here on earth. That is the beauty we seek: To view the world from the eyes of our selves when we arrived.

The Filling 10/12/13

IMG_0251_smI’m ready to work on finishing the painting I started this morning. It was a day of replenishing, a day of creating, a day of doing mostly what I wanted and that is writing and painting… I love how I am changing… This time of filling is so grand, mere words cannot describe the feelings of filling with the wholeness that is ME. I love my creative words and colors and vibrations… I am appreciating the filling, appreciating the challenges, appreciating the finessing and beauty that comes from knowing what I want to believe.

The more I let others be who they are, with no judgments, the more I let myself be who I am, without judgments. Even further, the more I let things around me just happen, the more I allow the things I really want to happen.

I appreciate my life… Anything that I experienced, no matter how anyone remembers me, was a part of the recipe that became the ME I am now. It’s all in the mix, it’s all a benefit to who I have become. It’s all important. It’s all needed. It’s all welcomed, not disregarded. All of me, every particle, every thought, every word, every thing I hate and anything I love, it’s all a cell, an incision into the whole of me that lives and breathes. It’s all important. All of my expression, whether good or bad in the others eyes, is loved by me. It’s what makes me ME and I am thrilled and eager to hear what will become of accepting me as I am or as I have behaved…

I love this life of which I have been to hell and back. I love the gold pouring into my crevices. I love that I have crevices, deep dark, dungeons of vacant dead cells that are being swept clean by each brushstroke I sweep across my paper. I am in love with this process of becoming whole. I am in love with the dichotomy and teeter tawter (yes I know it’s totter but I like this spelling better) of emotions and the deep dark feelings. Because those deep dark feelings are the cause of the opposite. And I relish in the wonderous worthiness that is coming. I bask in the aliveness I feel and it will increase more and more. And I enjoy the awakening and the light that is on its way. The hope for better days. The hope for my true balance to find its resting place within me. The hope of a better life and a better world, inside and out… I so enjoy a beautiful day like I have had. No interruptions or diffused energy. Just a solid, creative, joyful day of expression and clarity. I allow more. I allow the life to come. Thank you, Inner Wisdom, for being my confidant, my strength and my Source of all that I need.

Feel Appreciation, 10/6/2013

IMG_0250I remember a time when I felt so good for no reason at all and I so want that feeling to come back. For many months at the Reiki Circle in Culver, I voiced this to the group, “I felt so connected to my Source Energy but I lost it and I want to get it back.”

Thinking about what connected me, I remember purely appreciating what I have. Really appreciating the home I live in and the man who loves me and the life I have lived, no matter what happened. I attempt to appreciate those things again but I’m not reaching the good feelings. Mostly because it’s not pure appreciation that I feel. It’s just saying the words without feeling. I want to feel my appreciation for ME and all I have become. I want to feel pure appreciation for what I have and what I look at everyday. I want to feel true appreciation for those I come in contact with and those who have fallen away. I want to stand in this place right now and feel such acceptance for me, just as I am.

That’s what pure appreciation is. Feeling such comfort from allowing things to be as they are and accepting them fully. Not asking them to change. But to look at them and know as they are is just right. I wish I could be funny in explaining this. I would love to interject humor in these deep thoughts. Now that would be something to appreciate. Allowing the humor to come out from such introspective thoughts and words. I will paint now.

I paint and the nervousness lifts up. I feel the discontent rise up inside my body and I allow it to flow through my brush and onto my page. Every stroke, every touch of paint to paper, more nervousness sweeps onto my surface. It releases its hold on me, it removes more of the unwanted. It clears me up and cleans me out of beliefs that have been there since before I could remember. Words cannot even be put to these feelings but I know that they are leaving my body so they no longer have a hold over me. And that, my friends, is the remarkable power of painting. So replenshing, so releasing, so pure appreciation for the process of creation.

Decades of nervousness will not go away in one painting. Decades of discontentment will not go away in days or even months. Deeply embedded beliefs will take time to release. And really, all we have is time. Time to devote to a practice that, with each stroke, removes more of the unwanted. Each word adjusts more of our energy to our inner being. Each minute devoted to connecting to our Inner Wisdom brings the chance of a life of true appreciation—for life and for change. That’s what life is about anyway—appreciation for the changes and the power of transformation, one gentle stroke at a time.

Being Accepting 8/22/13

BeingAcceptingWhen I first woke up this morning, a feeling of nervousness set in. That uncomfortable rush of anxious energy that makes me feel out of control. That’s not how I wanted to feel. So what do I want to feel? Accepting was the first word that came to mind.

I thought of last night, how Roy’s friends were accepting of me. One in particular. We were at a bowling alley and I felt awkward, so out of place. I made small talk with all of his friends, then I went off to sit on my own. I was uncomfortable with not wanting to be there. Instead of forcing myself to make conversation, I just let myself be. I didn’t tell myself to snap out of it. I didn’t force myself to behave differently. I just let myself feel weird and that on its own was so comforting. I was so easy on myself and decided to do what would bring me some relief. I searched the internet about art.

Then one of the guys leaned over my shoulder and said, “they know where you are all of the time.” We started chatting about being watched and that they know everything we are doing. That broke the ice and the night became more bearable.

So now, I’m ready to start a painting on “Being Accepting.” To help me feel more accepting, first of myself, because that’s where all emotions start. When I feel more accepting of myself and just let me be, then I automatically feel the same way about others.

The red ameba-looking shape at the top left is my nervousness. That’s what my nervous energy looks like. It has tentacles and heat coming off of it, reaching out to seep into me. I surrounded it with blue, a soothing calm energy. Then fushia, then more blue. I added fushia to the nervousness, then it softened.

What does being accepting feel like? Just sit for a minute and feel acceptance move through you. Accept what is. Let the essence of the word set in. It feels relaxed and calming. Level. It feels gentle, not rushed, nor nervous. Being accepting feels open and welcoming of whatever is. Wherever you are, you instantly feel okay. However you normally feel fades away and you soak into a softness, like resting in a hammock with no thought in mind. Any nervousness you feel slows down. Your energy is freer. You feel light and peaceful. Acceptance is a positive flowing energy that makes you feel relief.

Aaah, the feeling of acceptance is non-judgmental, non-critical, welcoming anything as it is. Acceptance is allowing all to be who they are. It’s such a positive stance to take. It makes things so much more relaxed. It puts others at ease. It puts me at ease.

My accepting energy has tentacles of its own, reaching out into the Universe, seeking others who are accepting. My accepting energy is open to absorbing others who welcome me as I am. It’s receptive to others that are as accepting as I am. This energy grows the more I allow myself to be. The energy increases the more I leave myself alone. When I leave myself be, it is natural to just leave others be as they are. This painting is a catalyst to being an accepting human being. Feel into the colors and energy as you allow yourself to accept. This just feels so good.