While waking up Wednesday morning, upon my first conscious thought, I asked “What do you really want?” Paused, then thought carefully. So I asked myself again, “What is it that I really want? If I could have anything right now, what would make me feel better?”
A new home wouldn’t bring me what I really want. The feeling I’m looking for doesn’t come from living in a nicer home or having a new car or finding a secure job. What I really want is not a thing or a place or an event. It isn’t something we can buy or eat or drink. It isn’t something we can use to distract ourselves from what we really feel, like the internet or media; our huge distractors. It doesn’t come from another. What we really want is to feel THAT FEELING inside of us.
If you’ve ever felt it, you may know what I mean. It’s a feeling that is electric. It’s a feeling that is almost supernatural. When we feel it, everything is good. All the struggles and all of the pain goes away. When we feel THAT FEELING, we feel fully alive, fully charged with energy. When we have it, everything around us looks wonderful. We feel so solid and secure in our very being. And I believe THAT FEELING is what we really want. To feel good without doing anything and to just feel good because we’re alive.
The last time I felt it was months ago. I put the breaks on my mind and told myself to appreciate. First, I appreciated the friends I met since moving here three years ago. Then I appreciated my man.
When we appreciate, THAT FEELING rushes through our body. It fills our mind with energy, like a thousand fire flies lighting up our insides. If we could feel THAT FEELING more often, I believe the rest of our lives, our deepest wants and strongest desires, will just fall into place.
So I will appreciate what I am able to appreciate. Truly letting appreciation resonate within me can bring back THAT FEELING. I don’t feel it yet but I know that I will feel it again. Appreciation brought it to me the last time. But the first time I felt it, I painted Drinking Cappuccino. Almost nine years ago, THAT FEELING dropped down from Heaven while painting. It filled me with glistening energy. It was a moment I will always remember because it was the first time I felt it. And that is why I keep painting. I paint to feel it. I have felt it many other times while painting, when embedded thoughts begin to lift. So I keep painting and writing so I can feel it again.
Do you ever think about painting? Maybe you intuitively know that if you did, THAT FEELING may fill you, too.